My 16th Birthday

My mom had always thrown me the biggest and best birthday parties. We would spend months planning a theme, buying decorations, deciding what food to make and who to invite. Unfortunately, my 16th birthday wasn't so sweet.

My mom had been going through some chemotherapy in the months before, but unfortunately those treatments weren't doing the job. Over Christmas holidays, the doctors prepared my mom for a stronger regiment of chemo that they would start in January. A week before my birthday party, she had her first new treatment. Little did we know, this would change everything.

We decided to plan a smaller birthday party that year. My mom was very upset that she couldn't throw me a Sweet 16, but that was the last thing I was worried about. She had been sick and we definitely didn't have the money for anything big. All I wanted was to have a few friends over for cake & ice cream, so that's what we did.

I think we did a spaghetti dinner that night. I remember my mom was so worried about her hair falling out, so she wore a hair net while she cooked. She would be so embarrassed if someone found hair in their food, but I tried reassuring her that my friends understood and it would be okay if it happened.

My birthday party turned out to be a success, and that night my best friend (who incidentally lost her mother to breast cancer 4 years before) slept over. Unfortunately, the next morning we woke up to find my mom crying in her bathroom. In a matter of minutes, she had lost all of her hair. I had seen her lose her hair before, but it never happened this fast. It was always a more gradual process. She was pulling out handfuls at a time, and soon enough she was completely bald. We both cried as she just stared at herself in the mirror. That was the day I knew. I knew this time would be different. I knew this time would be bad. I had never been so scared.

And then. She told me she was sorry. -- Sorry for what? For being amazing? For throwing me a birthday party? For baking me a delicious cake? For cooking a delicious meal for all my friends? For buying me presents with money that you worked so hard for? For being the bravest woman I know?

And this is where I lose it.

No matter what she was going through or how bad she was suffering, she always apologized to me. She didn't want me to know that she was scared or hurting. She wanted me to think that everything was fine and that she would be okay. But I knew the truth. I knew that she was trying her best to stay alive. Her perseverance always shined through. But I knew she would be really sick this time around.

That night I cried until I couldn't cry anymore. I prayed out to God and asked that if he was going to make her suffer like this, then to please make it short. I couldn't bare to watch her endure so much pain. She didn't deserve it. No one does. That was the first time I seriously considered giving her up to Heaven.

Shortly after that she began losing all of her finger nails. I remember she stubbed her toe at the grocery one day, and immediately afterward the nail turned purple and eventually fell off. How is a woman supposed to feel with no hair or nails? I know it made her feel ugly. I know it made her feel unwomanly. I know it made her depressed. But I still thought she was beautiful. She always was.

She felt isolated. I could tell she was scared, but she tried not to show it. She was always strong. I would hear her crying all alone in her bedroom at night when she thought I couldn't hear. She didn't want to scare me. She wanted me to know that she was doing everything she could to stay on this earth, and I knew that she was.

People tell me that God works in mysterious ways.

I don't get it...

Mama,

You were so beautiful and compassionate and giving. I don't know why God made you so sick, but I know that you're not suffering anymore and that's all that matters. I'll never forget how much you sacrificed for me and the rest of the family. I love you so much and I hope I get to see you again one day.