September 14, 2005

On September 14, 2005, heaven received the most beautiful angel. My mom passed away two weeks following Hurricane Katrina after battling breast cancer for 15 years. Writing about this is very hard for me, but it’s sort of my last resort to find strength and courage in the struggle without her.

I try thinking of happy memories and telling myself things like “at least she’s not suffering anymore” and “she’s here in spirit.” But the truth is, she wasn’t there when I graduated high school or when I got my first car. She wasn’t there to meet my first real boyfriend or when I moved into my first apartment. She won’t be there when I graduate college or when I get my first real job. And most importantly, she won’t be there when I walk down the aisle or when I have my first child.

Those are all supposed to be happy occasions, and yet I find myself in tears every time I think about how I’m going to have to live each moment for the rest of my life without her. I thought it would get easier with each year that went by, but even five years later I’m finding it gets harder with each day.

I am so lucky to have spent 16 amazing years with my mom, but it’s a harsh reality to accept that she’s not here anymore and she’s not coming back. The fact is it’s affecting me and everything I do more than it ever has. There isn’t a day that I don’t think about her, but even the happy memories make me sad. I don’t know what to do or who to turn to anymore, but these are my thoughts…

In the years following my mom’s death, I have discovered better hospitals and so many programs with the sole purpose of helping patients and families whether it be physically or financially. It kills me knowing now that my mom could have gotten better treatment at other places. But with little awareness of it and no money to spend we stayed at our local general hospital where she received very poor treatment. There are so many men and women battling breast cancer today, and so many people out there wanting to help. She didn’t have to do it alone and she certainly didn’t have to die, and neither should anyone else.

Essentially, I want to help those who are battling cancer or lost someone they love, and those who wish to relive some of my mom’s great memories with me. Maybe along the way I can meet someone going through the same thing, and we can help mend each other’s hearts. My mom always did everything she could to help others no matter how sick she was, and I want that to live on.

Today is the last day of breast cancer awareness month, but for me it’s a life-long struggle. On September 14, 2005, I lost my best friend. Until I find that happy place again, I’m just taking it one day at a time.