Today my mom would have celebrated her 53rd birthday. There are many things that I've written the last few days that really don't explain how much I miss her, but I think this may explain why it's been hard to say goodbye.
My cousin Amanda just posted this picture of my mom's gravestone. It's my first time seeing it and it has brought me to tears. Unfortunately, my mom was buried in Texas because that's where we were staying after the storm when she passed away. Since she died, I haven't had the opportunity to visit her grave site. I think one reason I can't find closure is that she's so far from home. I never had the chance to visit her or talk to her or bring her flowers. I always wondered if anyone ever went to see her. One reason I get sad on holidays is because I can't be there to bring her flowers and tell her I love her. Seeing this picture made me so happy to know that others are thinking about her. When I finally got a car a couple years ago, my first mission was to plan a trip to go see her in Texas. But I've put it off so many times because it's a scary thing for me after this long of being away. I don't want to go with a random friend because I know I'll be a wreck. And I'm scared to go alone. All I know is I miss her, and when I'm sad I just wish that I could go talk to her and bring her gifts to let her know that I'm thinking about her. I know it may seem more symbolic than anything, but she feels so far away. And I just hope that somehow she knows that I love her and I hope Heaven is treating her well.
Happy Birthday, Mama! I hope you like your pink birthday flowers!
Flowers and photo credit go to my loving cousins:
Amanda Guernsey, Corinne Ispas & Heather Walker
Awww Chantelle, this brought tears to my eyes...I miss her so much too..and think of her alot....She is very proud of you and what you have done so far....She loved you so much and still does...I know she is looking down, and see how grown her babygirl is and she is smiling...She had such a beautiful smile...I wonder often about her gravesite, and so glad she has someone to put flowers on her grave.. I also, wish I could go to her grave and bring her flowers and talk to her..Chantelle, she knows how much you love her and miss her...She misses and loves you too...Never forget that...Im always here to talk, if you ever want or need too...I remember all the wonderful and crazy times with your mother and when we lived together..We had so much fun and had friends over all the time...I loved her so much...She was my best friend and i miss not being able to talk to her...Take care sweetie.. I love you...Pamela Owens Shoemaker...
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